


Look Up At The Stars

by Candeecake



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Injury, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt James T. Kirk, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure James T. Kirk, M/M, Protective Spock (Star Trek), Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-24 08:14:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30069312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Candeecake/pseuds/Candeecake
Summary: Jim can feel the walls of the ship, his own skin, and his exhaustion closing in on him. He tries to hide his pain from the crew. However, they all find out. Including Spock.TRIGGER WARNINGSELF-HARMPlease do not read if that will trigger you in any way.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Kudos: 34





	Look Up At The Stars

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING-SELF HARM  
> Please do not read if that will trigger you in any way.
> 
> Dedicated to my impossible twin! Thanks for listening to me rant about how gay Star Trek is. I mean did you see Amok Time?
> 
> Title inspired by "Look Up At The Stars" by Shawn Mendes  
> Please enjoy or not...I just had fun writing something that wasn't academic papers

He stared out the window full of stars. The vast ocean of space laid outside the small glass. Jim breathed deeply, laying on his bed. Glancing one last time at the view, he stood up and walked across his room. It was midnight and the crew- _ Bones _ wanted him to rest. It had been a tiring few months with the occasional threats and unpleasant surprises. Ever since he had- _ well died _ , the ship seemed different. He could feel the eyes of the ship watching him. The metal walls closing in on him. And the black ocean of space threatening to drown him. Even his blood closed in on him. Khan’s blood inside him made him shudder and his chest tighten. 

Jim felt the room sway a bit, the starlight dancing on his mirror. He shut his eyes, hoping to stand still. Jim ignored his rising panic and bile and ran to the bathroom. He clenched the sides of the sink, staring down at the drain. Slowly, he lifted his gaze to the mirror studying his face.

There was no doubt, he was fucking exhausted. The grey circles under his eyes were about to pull him down. Jim sat on the toilet and reached for a razor. He needed Khan’s blood out, just a tiny bit. He held out his wrist, knowing this was the only thing he could do.

His wrist had very visible cuts that would have to be hidden. As he dressed each day, he paid attention to the length of his sleeve. Jim tried to avoid people as much as possible. He threw himself into his duties, piling report after report. If the crew tried to talk, he would make an excuse. 

They would never know. They could never know. 

The Enterprise was traveling to make a supply run to a distant planet. It had been an uneventful day. Jim stared out into the stars, tapping his fingers on the seat. The monitor beeped.

“Kirk here,” He said.

“Captain, there’s something on the ship. Or something’s killed, two ensigns!” The monitor shouted before the audio cut out with a crash. Jim glanced at Spock who was arching his eyebrow. 

“Go to Red Alert,” Jim said, jumping out of his seat. The alarms made his stomach sick with memories. Shrugging it off, he walked calmly to the elevator. “Spock with me. Sulu, you have the com.”

Spock followed behind him, as the elevator door shut. Jim stared at the glass, contemplating horrid possibilities. 

“Captain, I believe-”

All of a sudden, the elevator stopped short and rumbled violently. A small opening of the door caught Jim’s eyes. He glanced at Spock, his heart beating. Jim grabbed a hold of Spock throwing him to safety before the elevator collapsed. The last thought was of the first officer and how he would never tell him what his true feelings were. Jim felt the abrupt drop of gravity before blacking out.

His eyes opened groggily as pain clamped onto his body. Jim scanned his surroundings, finding his leg burning. The smell of faded sparks filled his nostrils. He coughed painfully before trying to stand up. His scraped hand found some debris to support himself. Jim stood up, already exhausted. He could taste blood and found some open wounds. But nothing too serious. 

He limped in the dark, only lit by small emergency light. Jim fiddled for his phaser which was somehow depleted of energy. Groaning, he continued to walk down a hallway. He glanced at the torn walls, struggling to control his fear.

“Hello? Anybody!” Jim yelled, his throat burning. Suddenly he heard a screech. Jim turned quickly, flickering his light near the sound. “Show yourself.”

_ “Captain, I think I would rather show you.” _ A raspy voice beamed, a swarm of shadows circled him. 

“Identify yourself,” Jim said, hoping his voice didn’t break. “I mean no harm.”

_ “Oh but I do. Captain, would you like to put on a show with me?” _ The voice hissed. “ _ I feed on pain. And imagine my surprise when you were a full meal. And you deserve to be cherished.” _

“There are other ways to cherish me than eating me,” Jim said, aiming his phaser. 

_ “Let the show go on,” _ The voice said with cold joy. All of a sudden, darkness filled his vision. Jim lost his footing on the ground. Coldness pricked at his skin and anguish wrapped around him.

Suddenly it cleared and his back hit the ground violently. He held in a scream, forcing himself to open his eyes. An abundance of light filled his eyes and blinded him. As his senses readjusted, he could hear the beeping of buttons and someone’s voice.  _ Spock’s voice. _

“Captain? Jim? Can you hear me?” Spock asked with small panic. “Please contact Dr. Mccoy.”

“Spock?” Jim said, noticing his voice was raspy. “What happened?”

“I am uncertain. The elevator collapsed and you were missing for five hours, one minute, and forty-five seconds. Now you have appeared impossibly.” Spock said, helping Jim up.

“How’s the ship?” Jim asked, feeling a wave of exhaustion crash over him. All of a sudden pure agonies spread in his bones. His body tensed and he was unable to move. He whimpered, trying to hold in another scream.

_ “I told you would be a part of the show.” _ The voice hissed, a shadow danced across the room. He glanced at Spock who appeared calm. The elevator opened with Bones and a nurse. “ _ A meal to be cherished. Once you die, this ship will be an incredible meal. “ _

“Release the Captain now,” Spock said sternly, pointing a phaser. The shadow stared at Spock before letting out a hoarse laugh.

_ “Why would I? I would be doing him a favor. So much delicious pain-I could end it.” _

“N-no.” Jim wheezed out, tears dripping down his face.

_ “All those nightmares, sleepless nights, the vomit, the cuts on your wrist. Your pining heart?” _ The shadow circled him, a cold hand caressed his face.  _ “Oh, they didn’t know?” _

“Jim?” Bones whispered slightly. Jim avoided his stare. “What the hell did you do to yourself?”

_ “Made himself a delicious meal of pain. All for me,” _ The shadow beamed.

“You consume pain?” Spock asked with a dangerous edge to his voice. 

_ “I do, imagine how tasty your captain will be.” _

“May I approach him?” The shadow froze the air, suddenly an unsettling smile appeared in the air. Spock watched it keenly, a hand on the phaser.

_ “I do love painful goodbyes, they taste so sweet,“  _ it mocked, racing around the bridge.

Spock lowered his phaser and carefully walked to Jim. Jim could feel his face drenched with tears of pain. All of sudden, his body was released and relief filled his lungs. Spock caught him quickly, cradling his head and broken body. He whispered close to his lips hoping no one could hear.

“Do you trust me, Jim?”

“I do.”

“I must do this to save your life. Jim?”

“What are you going-?” Jim started to say before Spock pressed his fingers to his tear-stained face. Spock closed his eyes softly focusing intently. The world seemed to fade away. His pain went numb as a swarm of light entered his vision. Jim tightened his grip on Spock. Jim breathed deeply as his body felt weightless. The world around them turned bright blue with fresh clouds. He’s back on a field of soft grass. Spock stared at him, cupping his cheek.

“How do you feel?”

“What did you do?”

“I bonded with you,” Spock admitted as Jim’s blue eyes widened.

“Why would you do that?” Jim said, still unable to move. Spock held him closer.

“Can you see my mind? I am giving you access to my memories.” Spock closed his eyes once again, as Jim absorbed his memories and emotions.

“ _ Jim does not seem alright. _

_ “He is truly a beautiful human _

_ “I have never known these emotions. _

_ “Jim has resorted to his room again, I am worried. _

_ “What happened on the planet, he seems shaken?” _

_ “I feel that he does not know how much he is valued.” _

_ “I am in love with him.” _

Jim could feel the emotions racing towards him. Each memory held something beautiful, a sense of comfort and warmth. A heart fluttering, a heated lust, a painful aching, everything.

“I’m in-in love with you too. But why, why would you do this?”

“I did not realize you were in so much pain. I wanted to stop the creature by blocking your pain with happiness-”

“Your memories. Shit! The creature! Spock, we have to go back!”

“I am sorry  _ T'hy'la _ , this is no longer your battle.”

Spock kissed him gently on the lips, pressing their foreheads together. Jim struggled to hang on but soon he fell into sleep.

Spock stared at Jim, starlight dancing on his bloodied face. He sat in the medbay, his arms crossed gently on his lap. Jim stirred slightly in his sleep. Spock sighed before smiling at his new bondmate. He knew Jim was his T'hy'la since the start of their mission. He knew that Jim was hiding something, something that was tearing both of them apart. Spock had sensed his sorrow and guilt. 

Jim gasped and jolted awake in the medbay. Spock tried to calm him the best he could with the bond. Jim shuddered still, trying to slow his breathing. Spock walked over to him, placing his gentle palm on his shoulder. Jim darted his eyes to Spock and froze.

“Spock?” Jim asked as Spock gingerly pressed a small kiss on his forehead. Jim glanced at his wrists self-consciously and crossed his arms. “What happened?”

‘What do you remember?” Spock sat on the bed next to him, holding Jim. 

“A red alert-um, flashes of a shadow and the bridge. And then grass and some sort of light?” Jim sent a few strings of panic and confusion as he breathed. “I feel different, did something happen?”

“We bonded to save you from an alien creature that feeds on pain,” Spock said, still trying to calm him. Jim turned to Spock, a frown creeping onto his face. “I could not lose you. I love you.”

“T-the bond can you-fee-”

“Yes, I can feel your emotions and have little access to some memories.”

“What do you feel?”

“There is no certain emotion but I do feel you.”

Jim took a shaky breath, leaning into Spock’s shoulder. “I love you too. I am sorry that you had to bond to save me. I took away that choice from you.”

“I chose to bond with you and I would do it again and again. Jim, Open your mind to me and I will show you.” 

Jim closed his eyes and focused on what Spock said. Soon his vision was filled with light and him. A loud lullaby of loving memories and Spock soothing him back to sleep. Suddenly, Jim’s chest tightened and he jumped out of sleep.

“Everybody saw on the bridge-didn’t they?” He said, looking down at his wrists. Spock laced their fingers together, closing them tight.

“No one thinks less of you. We are all concerned for you. Myself, most of all.”

“I thought I could keep it a secret to myself,” Jim admitted, a wave of shame rising on his face.

“You should never have to hide your pain from anyone. To ask and accept for help is a strength, not a weakness.”

“It wasn’t pain, it-I’m so tired, Spock. I’m-” Jim hitched in a shaky breath, feeling the urge to hide. “I can’t sleep because he’s there,” He sobbed, Spock pulled him in closer.

“Who’s there?”

“Khan. I wanted to stop this feeling of being ruined by someone’s blood. And then the walls of the ship started closing in, everyone couldn’t-t-I just wanted to escape,” Jim whispered, tears fluttering down his cheek. “A captain who wanted to abandon his ship. I needed something to ground myself. And it was just there so I thought I could handle a bit more pain.”

“Injuring yourself would not have fixed your pain,” Spock said as Jim sighed. His sobs started to become softer.

“It was logical at the time. God, maybe you should have let me die,” Jim admitted shyly as he put his head down in shame. 

“Capta-Jim, look at me. Please,” Spock pleaded, Jim slowly lifted his head and stared at him. Spock’s face twisted into a beautiful storm of emotions. “I could never let you die. You are too important to me.”

“You’re important to me too,” Jim said, giving a small sad smile. Spock pressed their lips together, linking their fingers together. They broke apart gently, grinning gracefully. “I’m sorry for everything.”

“There’s no need. Please let us help you,” Spock pleaded. Jim paused for a few heartbeats, before nodding.

“Okay. You can help me,” Jim whispered, leaning onto Spock’s shoulder. They both laid down on the small bed, holding each other close. The bond was full of warmth and belonging. He stared out into the window full of stars. The vast ocean of space laid outside the small glass as Jim slept peacefully beside Spock. 

  
  



End file.
